Worst Australian Blogger of the year!
Honestly, if I’m not the winner, then I’m a damn strong contender. There’s been multiple years in which I could have won this special award for ‘people who make promises and never bloody keep them’, and I didn’t even have to try! I literally didn’t even try.
Although, coming back online, having a whinge, saying “OMG U GUYZ LIKE MY BAD LOL” and *insert excuses here* is pretty normal nowadays, right? Like, you see all your faves pulling that same shtick, telling you how much they suck and please won’t you forgive them.
So screw it, here’s the truth.
I, like all your faves, started posting online with my head firmly in the clouds. I thought of all the ways I could Make It Happen™, and while I’ve never really wanted to achieve ‘fame’, I have wanted to achieve at least a little bit of fortune. This isn’t a bad thing – we all have bills to pay, food to buy, and debts. So many debts. Becoming a small-fry content creator meant I could open that door to self-employment freedom! And finally pay off my ridiculous student debt!
Over the years, I’ve tried to become a small-fry, with varying levels of success. The best swing I’ve taken at it came in about 2013, when I had a couple videos go viral and I could see the fantastic potential of YouTube. Then I went to Japan.
Living and working in Japan was a dream I’d had since I was 14. I have zero regrets about achieving that dream. If any of you have ever wanted to live in another country, I fully support your aspirations and you should do everything in your power to make it happen (™).
But it did completely bugger up my whole ‘self-employment freedom’ plan.
Coming back to Australia didn’t mean I was coming back to my old life, or even my old online life. Two years in real life time is equal to at least five online. Everything, and everyone, has changed. And I cannot catch up.
Surprisingly, being firmly out of the loop is not the worst thing to have happened to me, and isn’t the sole reason I haven’t been around.
Coming back has been weird and occasionally horrible. I’ve somehow managed to pull through a massive bout of reverse culture shock (yet another story for another day), and started working as a part-time art tutor for snotty children (again, more stories for more days), but I’ve also lost something: I’ve lost the connection to my other half, my partner, my best friend. My relationship could not withstand the distance of oceans or clashes in musical tastes. And that has been the deepest, darkest pit I’ve had to claw myself out of.
Cue the depressing music.
Just before Valentine’s Day, I’d finally managed to pin down a time we could Skype. I’d wanted to talk to him about our issues for weeks, but I also wanted him to be able to finish his assignments. These things are not compatible. When I finally spilled my guts, bawling the whole time, he said he felt all the same things. I said “Well, I don’t know how to fix this, and neither of us are in the best way to make sense of anything, so maybe we should have a break?” He said:
“No, we should break up.”
Not only is that soul-crushing, but soul-ripping, twisting, burning, crunching and over-all devastating.
Knowing that the man I wanted to marry didn’t want to even try at a later date to work things out. Knowing it was all just ‘too hard basket’ and we were done. Not knowing what to do next or how to be friends with an ex has been like cracking the last ribs in my already broken chest.
It’s been a few months now, and I’m not over it. Probably won’t be for at least another year according to the generally accepted half-life of a relationship measure. But I am through it enough to be able to talk about it. And I’m able to re-assess what the hell it is I do online to try and make a buck. What’s worth pursuing, and what’s a waste of time. I now feel that, if I’m going to keep going with this ‘online content creator’ shtick, then I need to stop kidding myself.
So here we go, blog 2-point-whatever, no more bull. No more fancy crap. Let’s do this the right way, because Lord knows you ain’t a puppy-eyed teenager anymore.
Damn I wanted your relationship to last forevarss Jess! Your videos together were so cute (I know this isn’t helping) but I am disappointed of him, not you girl! And can’t wait for you to come back to YouTube. Maybe after dealing with all that crap you could make a video giving advice on break-ups and how to move on. Idk just an idea! I am really sorry your going through this ? Yet you have all my support girl ??✨ keep doing you!!
Author
You’re a total gem! It’s been a rough few months indeed. I know we all go through breakups, but UGH! Our hearts! It’s difficult and horrible. When we broke up, I agreed so it was more of a mutual decision, but I really wish we hadn’t. And I kept wishing we hadn’t for months. Now, I don’t know, it is what it is. I will make a video chatting about it all, but I’m not sure of the direction. Thanks heaps for being there for me! xx
Oh girl…I’ve missed you,I am living far away from my country now too. And I’ve moved here with my ex-boyfriend(my relationship lasted almost 7 years…) and we have broke up. Here, in another country, another continent…it was hard for me, but it was the only solution… Stay strong, you are beautiful, and I always read/watch your content with a lot of interest. Big hug for you.
Author
Oh my God, I’m so sorry Sato! 🙁 That is incredibly heartbreaking, after so long and moving too! You have a wonderful strength within you to keep your chin up and push through that pain. Hugs to you too xx
Oh finally, you will be back. We will get to see you on YouTube . Love your skincare series :*
Author
Thank you! Yes, I will be back making YouTube videos soon enough 🙂
I usually never comment on anything BUT I feel like I have to …..because I have been there ..and I know how much it hurts.
I was with my ex for 6 years.He got stationed back in the States and I visited him for 8 weeks to see what it would be like over there etc…the relationship wasnt always perfect but to me- if you love each other- you work things out,right?And nothing can really cause you to break up.WRONG. He had already made up his mind so after I got back home..he slowly showed me that it really wasnt what he wanted anymore….he never broke up with me-he started seeing another girl-When we were still talking.Going on vacation with her After just knowing her a couple of months..I was still in a very bad place..depressed.. hurting …it was the worst feeling ever…seeing all the fun they seemed to have and then:They got engaged! !!!!! …It took me a year to feel better about it..it seems like its not possible-but it is! Give yourself time! If I was able to get over it-So are YOU! But dont pretend….If you feel like crying..do so….it is okay to be hurting.
Much love from Germany !
Author
Your line about how a relationship may not be perfect, but you work things out is SO true. I loved him a huge amount and would do anything for him, but we both had issues. But you stick together! You work it out! Or… not. Hearing about your experience rings so true. But for your ex to start seeing someone so soon and get engaged? What trash!! That’s horrible. I’m so sorry that you went through that pain, your heart must’ve hurt for a long time. I’m happy to hear you’re okay now, but wow, he was such a jerk to you! Good to know you’re free of him and living your life xx
I love you!!! ??? xoxoxoxoxoxo
Author
Love you too Estela! xx!
Hey Jess so sorry about your breakup. 🙁 I’ve been following your YouTube channel for a while now, 3 years to be precise. That’s when I started getting acne and turned to the internet for help and discovered your channel and your videos helped me out so much. I can’t wait for you to post another YouTube video, you’re absolutely hilarious and I love how real you are. Most of the Youtubers out there are so pretentious and just make up stories to get views but that’s not you and I’m sure alot of people love that about you. Just do you, girl and I’m sure you’ll achieve what you’re aiming for. Please come back soon!
Author
Hi love! Wow, 3 years!! I’m humbled, thank you. Yes, I’ll start making videos again very soon, I feel like I’m up for it again! It’s just taken a long time for me to feel like I can go through that process once more. Making videos takes a lot of time, so when I start up again, it’ll have to be far more relaxed. I appreciate your kindness and continued support for all these years, you’re amazing xx
Omg Jess! So sorry to hear this. I hate it when people just assumes that “long distance won’t work out eventually”. Why doesnt people want to work hard on relationships nowadays? Most people just wants to do it the easy way and call quits whenever things start getting difficult and real. Well, your love deserves someone stronger and better.
Anyways, welcome back!! I know you can get over this and move on. We girls with acne are strong as hell. We know how to get past the worst days and go outside with full confidence. So proud of you girl! You can count on us, your fans. We wont stop loving and supporting you no matter what!
Missed you so much!! Xoxo
Author
Hey Xeena 🙂 LDR’s are very difficult and take a lot of hard work. Communication is incredibly important! I tried really hard, but I’d get frustrated and upset with his (lack of) response. Having a break from things so we could both collect our thoughts and figure it out later on would have been ideal, but maybe it was just my ideal. I’m sure we will both be okay and be able to move on with whatever we end up doing, but those initial months of a break up are hard to handle. Thank you for being so awesome and supportive! ^_^ I’ll be sure to keep posting from now on, and I’ll update my YouTube soon enough too! xx
Doesn’t matter how old you are….heart break is painful. Even the strongest buckle at the pain. I know exactly how it feels to tell yourself you will be fine and shake it off, but the feeling takes over. I’m glad you are feeling more determined and ready to pick up and move forward! They’ll be bumps along the way that hold you back, but you’ll Get to your new chapter!
Doesn’t matter how old you are….heart break is painful. Even the strongest buckle at the pain. I know exactly how it feels to tell yourself you will be fine and shake it off, but the feeling takes over. I’m glad you are feeling more determined and ready to pick up and move forward! They’ll be bumps along the way that hold you back, but you’ll Get to your new chapter!